gratitude

Christmas music got on my nerves this year. I'm not sure why. As I've explained before, we are musical people that constantly have some kind of music going. I usually enjoy the carols and the old standards, just not this year. But, as I lay awake one night this week listening to the Christmas selections from Handel's Messiah, I could not hold back the tears because of the beauty and the message of that piece of music.


I am filled with humble awe and gratitude at what God the Father did for us when He sent His Son. Just a few weeks ago, I had to address some incorrect information that had been taught to my daughter. She was told that God was much more strict in the Old Testament than He is now.


"Oh, no, no." I said. "God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He didn't somehow become more lenient. He is Holy and He cannot tolerate our sin. He can't even look at our sin. The difference is Jesus. When He looks at you and me, He sees the Blood of Jesus."


Listening to my own voice, my heart swelled with gratitude; the same emotion that had filled me when I listened to the soaring words of the Hallelujah Chorus, "King of Kings and Lord of Lords." It doesn't matter whether He came on December 25th or not. He came. . . . . for me.

humility

This is so hard. I thought I knew what humility meant; maybe like I knew the "Webster's" definition of it. I've realized that what I thought I knew doesn't even come close.

I thought it meant to be sweet; to not want attention for yourself; to not be hurt or mad when you got mistreated or overlooked. So basically, I thought to walk in humility meant that I wasn't supposed to have any bad feelings. I was supposed to smile all the time and never have a negative thing to say about anything or anybody. I also thought it was somehow supposed to be easy if you were filled with the Holy Spirit. I think I've discovered that, for me, the opposite is true.

It reminds me of the example that says courage doesn't mean that you're not afraid, courage is doing what you have to do in spite of being afraid. So, I think humility, for me, must mean doing the right thing in spite of being humiliated and hurt. The "right thing" in this case would be showing love, forgiveness, and mercy.

I've written before about the difficulties of nine years ago. However, the last seven years have produced some of the more humiliating times of my life. I've been ignored, unwanted, and tolerated, but not celebrated; in a word, a misfit. Assuming that I have any gifts or abilities to offer, no one is particularly interested in acknowledging them, much less using them. Worse by far is seeing my husband and children hurt in the same way. So we wait. (Patience will be the subject for another day.)

Still, He tells me to love. God tells me that if I don't love, I can't claim to know Him. It doesn't mean that I am pretending or putting on a mask, it means that I am making a choice to obey Him and love. I must choose daily to walk humbly with my God.

So, that's what humilty has come to mean to me: obedience that makes me lay down my pride. God spoke to me very clearly about three weeks ago and said, "If you can't get over your hurt feelings, I can't use you." Plain and simple, I want to serve Him and I want him to use me.

It's still hard.