belonging

Ugh. I hate to admit it; I have a need to belong. There, I said it. You never feel that need as strongly as when you don't belong anywhere.

I need a place. I sincerely wish that I didn't. I heard a preacher dude on the radio today say that none of us are self-sufficient; we all need each other. But what if the people that you need, don't want you to need them? Then what?

I just have this constant, nagging feeling that I'm tolerated. I'm quite sure that I'm too old to change my personality now, to try to get people to like me. So, if I was born one of those unlikeable people, is there hope? Hmm, hope. THAT is the subject for another blog

do i have to?

I think I'm going to have to buy the Rob Bell book, Love Wins, and then read it. Why? Because there's lots of talk about it and I want to know for myself. I "hear" he's being bashed, but none of the reviews I've read are mean; they simply disagree.

I have decided that being able to disagree, and still be civil, might be the one skill that is most lacking in the universe.

• Can we disagree without belittling another person and their point of view?
• Can we disagree and still be family; still be brothers and sisters in Christ?
• Can we admit that some things are black and white; while some things, quite frankly, are not?

It seems that when we disagree about the Bible, it can become a passionate debate. Truth, and how we arrive at it can be influenced by so many factors; cultural bias, tradition, personal experiences, etc., etc., etc.

The God that I'm am still learning to know is All Powerful, All Knowing, is Everywhere and is inside of me. Does He need me to attack my brother in order to defend Him? I doubt it. I think He can take care of Himself. If I hear something being spoken about Him that is so very blatantly wrong, should I say something? Maybe yes, well probably, yes.

So, how do I "stand up for the truth"? I don't know yet.

more than I bargained for

Funny that I pray and fast, and then pray some more for God to intervene in my circumstances. But instead of finding my circumstances changing, I find that my attitudes and my heart are changing.

Weird, but when I think about it, it's probably what I wanted all along.

new to me

I had a new revelation day before last - if I really don't care what anyone thinks but God, if His is the only opinion that matters,

then,

there is no more humiliation. It truly doesn't exist, along with its cronies guilt, shame, and condemnation.Their power is revoked.

One step closer to complete freedom.

There is one thing I ask, one thing I seek; to dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

burning bridges

I am in a bridge burning mood. I once again find myself dealing with the frustration and foolishness that defines human interaction. People can be so stupid, myself included.

It would be so much easier to be a hermit. I could do it, too. I really think I could. All boarded up inside my house; texting or typing instead of talking to anyone; ordering my groceries on amazon.

But,

God says I can't. That's not His plan for me. I've gotta keep dealing with the dumbness. I might have a glimmer of hope that this refining is making me more like Him. I really do want to be like Him.

my own little world

I have heard the term, "in their own little world" many times over the years. In recent years, it was used often to describe my sons and their world which included autism. In fact, the phrase was almost part of the diagnostic process. "He's in his 'own little world.'"

I have come to believe that we all create our own little worlds. My husband and I will soon have been married 20 years. It often amuses me when I think about how we have created our own sub-culture. From our entertainment choices, food, clothing, music, books, etc., etc., the list goes on, our family has created its own unique lifestyle. Things that bother me greatly don't affect others. By the same token, scenarios that don't make me think twice cause other people great distress. And so on, and so on.

Observing other couples who might seem odd, makes me laugh because their weirdness is normal to them. They fit together perfectly.

Hopefully, we can all peacefully coexist side-by-side in our little worlds.

Wearing green today

Today I'm wearing a lime green turtleneck. Not because I'm celebrating St. Patrick's Day early, but because I'm honoring a little girl who would have been 12 years old today.

This is what my own 12 year old wrote on February 2nd.


'Sup, Korley

Today I found out that Korley Davis died. I really don't know how to feel right now. I knew about her, but I never really knew her. But I do know enough that I know where she's at right now.

One of Korley's good friends, and one of my friends, goes to my church. She, and all of the students at Liberty, need God more than ever right now.

If I could say anything to Korley right now, I'd say this:


What's up, Korley?

How are you liking heaven so far? It's pretty awesome, isn't it?

We are all going to miss you and we are even going to wear your colors on Friday for your birthday!

I know that you have entered your reward in heaven and that you are having a blast right now! And I am so happy for you because you were taken out of suffering and into eternity, but I just wanted to let you know that you inspired this community so much. You taught us how to come together as friends, family, and complete strangers to reach out, encourage, and to really pray as a body of believers.

I'll see you soon, Korley. (it will be sooner for you than for me)

Love,
Mary M. Edwards


Sometimes, I can't believe I get to be her Mom.

New Year's Resolutions

Funny that I'm not a "New Year's Resolution" kind of girl, but here I go, second year in a row, typing them up. I wonder if that makes them more official? Hmm. I'm still working on that "Letting Myself Off the Hook" thing from last year.

In 2011, I hereby resolve to:

write more (including blogging),

visit my mother regularly for no special reason, and make my husband do the same with his parents,

let go of things.

That's it, short and sweet.