seasons and reasons

In the circles that I hang with, we toss around the phrase, a new season. I've been thrown into such a different season. I'm trying some new things, new environments, meeting new people, etc. All of that is stretching me more than I have been stretched in quite a while. Some of it by my choice, but not all of it. It has been good for me, I hope.

Along with that stretching comes the discomfort of navigating new waters and new personalities. I feel like I'm back in junior high.

I am being bullied for the first time in a long time. I didn't realize how much I have been sheltered. I am venturing out into the world, out of my comfort zone, and I have encountered a person that has been making very unkind statements referring to my size and weight. It seems to come so naturally to them, that I'm pretty certain that they must behave that way to everyone; I'm just not used to it. These are unkind things that are said to my face and in front of other people.

I will admit that I am very sensitive about my weight. Most women are. It has been a lifelong battle and not a pretty one, at that. I struggle with shame, blame, feeling unattractive and everything else that goes with it. Trust me, I am very aware of what I look like. Mirrors and photographs can ruin my day, and don't even get me started on that number on the scale.

Ridicule is so very demotivating and makes me want to crawl back into my hole; like I don't even deserve to draw breath.

So, I have to choose to move on. Do I ignore the comments or meet them head-on?

not feeling it

I think I can honestly say that this year I feel absolutely nothing about Christmas. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

I have written several times before about Christmas, and given myself the glorious freedom to enjoy it like I want. In the past, even with losses and stress, I have always still managed to find that warm fuzzy feeling somewhere. I know it's still early in the season yet, but I'm sad. I want to be a little kid full of anticipation, but there's too many much pent up disappointment and dashed hopes. Sweaters and snowmen and music and food and lights . . . . . none of it fixes anything.

I'm certainly not offended by any one else's preparations, I just feel numb. (Although, walking around Walmart on Black Friday did feel like something out of a movie, even though it was three o'clock in the afternoon.)

What do I want for Christmas?

at last I see the light

For those that don't know, we lost our Donna last night. She was my husband's older sister, only 57 years old. She had been so sick for so long. I'm supposed to be comforted by the fact that she is no longer suffering, but so far it still feels like the line from our beloved Les Mis, "there's a grief that can't be spoken; there's a pain goes on and on."

Donna didn't have children of her own, so our babies were her babies. They loved her so much and they knew that she loved them. Donna and Mary Margaret's birthdays were only a day apart so we often celebrated them together.

I do take comfort again from my sweet daughter. We knew all day yesterday that the end was near, but Ronnie and I agreed that Mark & Mary Margaret should carry on with their dress rehearsal last night. They had worked all summer for this project. I finally told Mary Margaret on the way home that her Aunt Donna was gone. Of course,  all three of us grieved together. Then she pulled out her ipod and played this song:

"All those days watching from the windows
All those years outside looking in
All that time never even knowing
Just how blind I've been
Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight
Now I'm here, suddenly I see
Standing here, it's all so clear
I'm where I am meant to be

And at last I see the light
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once everything looks different
Now that I see you."

If you only knew how fitting these words are; a secular song, but it screamed to me, "Peace, it's ok." We sobbed and tried to sing along. I had to even pull over for a moment and stop the car. I can't read the words now without crying. How does this little girl just know the right thing to do?  She is full of grace, sweetness, and light. There is also greatness in her. Her Aunt Donna would be proud.

So, here we are at April again. Time for my annual Autism Awareness blog.

Has anything changed much since last year? Not really, no.

There might possibly be more awareness, but it hasn't trickled down to any kind of benefit for the folks living at this address. We're looking for miracles; like phone calls, invitations, friendships, and understanding. Oh, and I mustn't forget the elusive "hope."