gratitude

Christmas music got on my nerves this year. I'm not sure why. As I've explained before, we are musical people that constantly have some kind of music going. I usually enjoy the carols and the old standards, just not this year. But, as I lay awake one night this week listening to the Christmas selections from Handel's Messiah, I could not hold back the tears because of the beauty and the message of that piece of music.


I am filled with humble awe and gratitude at what God the Father did for us when He sent His Son. Just a few weeks ago, I had to address some incorrect information that had been taught to my daughter. She was told that God was much more strict in the Old Testament than He is now.


"Oh, no, no." I said. "God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He didn't somehow become more lenient. He is Holy and He cannot tolerate our sin. He can't even look at our sin. The difference is Jesus. When He looks at you and me, He sees the Blood of Jesus."


Listening to my own voice, my heart swelled with gratitude; the same emotion that had filled me when I listened to the soaring words of the Hallelujah Chorus, "King of Kings and Lord of Lords." It doesn't matter whether He came on December 25th or not. He came. . . . . for me.

humility

This is so hard. I thought I knew what humility meant; maybe like I knew the "Webster's" definition of it. I've realized that what I thought I knew doesn't even come close.

I thought it meant to be sweet; to not want attention for yourself; to not be hurt or mad when you got mistreated or overlooked. So basically, I thought to walk in humility meant that I wasn't supposed to have any bad feelings. I was supposed to smile all the time and never have a negative thing to say about anything or anybody. I also thought it was somehow supposed to be easy if you were filled with the Holy Spirit. I think I've discovered that, for me, the opposite is true.

It reminds me of the example that says courage doesn't mean that you're not afraid, courage is doing what you have to do in spite of being afraid. So, I think humility, for me, must mean doing the right thing in spite of being humiliated and hurt. The "right thing" in this case would be showing love, forgiveness, and mercy.

I've written before about the difficulties of nine years ago. However, the last seven years have produced some of the more humiliating times of my life. I've been ignored, unwanted, and tolerated, but not celebrated; in a word, a misfit. Assuming that I have any gifts or abilities to offer, no one is particularly interested in acknowledging them, much less using them. Worse by far is seeing my husband and children hurt in the same way. So we wait. (Patience will be the subject for another day.)

Still, He tells me to love. God tells me that if I don't love, I can't claim to know Him. It doesn't mean that I am pretending or putting on a mask, it means that I am making a choice to obey Him and love. I must choose daily to walk humbly with my God.

So, that's what humilty has come to mean to me: obedience that makes me lay down my pride. God spoke to me very clearly about three weeks ago and said, "If you can't get over your hurt feelings, I can't use you." Plain and simple, I want to serve Him and I want him to use me.

It's still hard.

People Aren't Who You Think They Are.

It seems there is a process we go through as we get to know each other. There are a few people in my life that I have known for years, but just recently I have come to know them more intimately. It's funny how that can happen; I suppose that it is the process of moving from acquaintance to friend.

You live your life alongside people and then suddenly realize, "Wow, I didn't know they were like THAT." There is an instinct that makes me want to pull away from them, to put that comfortable distance back in place. I have to make a decision when finding something out about someone that I didn't know. Sometimes it can even be embarrassing, as if there has been a lapse in my discernment.

But, most of the time, I continue the relationship, accepting this new revelation of a facet of their personality. Then, over time, they become like family. You know all their junk; you know their good qualities and bad qualities; their maturity, and the places where God is still working in them. Then, you can become their true friend.

World Autism Awareness Day

I haven't blogged in a while.

Not that I haven't been writing, because I have. It's just that the things I have written lately were sort of dark and morose, and though it was cathartic for me, I couldn't imagine anyone else wanting to read it. So, those writings went unpublished.

Back to the topic at hand. World Autism Awareness Day. April 2nd, a day chosen from Autism Awareness Month.

What do people need to be aware of?

When my son Mark was diagnosed, many years ago, the rate of diagnosis was 1 in 500. Now, that number is 1 in 110. There are several factors that may play into that increase, but the numbers alone are staggering to me.

What else should people be aware of?

The children and families need prayer and support. They are often isolated.
There is a great financial burden that comes with having a child with a disability.
Healthcare and educational systems are not adequate to meet the growing needs.
Funding, funding, funding is needed for research, therapies, education, etc, etc, etc.

There is so much to be aware of.

I have prayed for my children since before they were born. Several years ago, I believed I distinctly heard God say to me, "Don't ask me to heal them anymore. I have made them the way I wanted them to be."

That was very confusing for me. I was the persistent widow who wouldn't leave the judge alone. (Luke 18:2-8)

Just recently have I understood what I believe God was saying to me.

I will not pray that my sons be healed to meet someone else's standard. (even mine) I will not pray for them to be healed just so they will be accepted.

I still pray (very persistently) for healing of their anxiety, their communication and understanding; their needs. I go to the Father who formed them in my womb, who knows them much better than I ever could, who loves them the way I can only hope to. I ask Him to help me be the mother they need.

Wow. I feel more aware already.

What to do?

This sounds like something Andy Rooney would say. (The old dude on 60 Minutes that says, "Have you ever . . ?")

Have you ever walked through the house and found a miscellaneous screw just lying somewhere?

Where does this screw go?

Did it fall out of something?

Do I need to save it?

Can I throw it away?

How much time do I waste trying to figure stuff like this out?

Why do I do this?

Because I so sincerely want to do the right thing. Always. All the time.

That's a good thing not a bad thing. I don't do it right all the time, but I'm trying.

kindness

Sometimes doing the right thing is hard. It doesn't feel natural or even appropriate to forgive and show kindness when someone has wronged you. But I pray and ask for forgiveness and mercy for myself all the time.



Already this morning, I had to pay for a Netflix dvd that was destroyed by a careless child. That same child also broke a guitar string on a guitar that doesn't belong to him. One of his cohorts has lost the guitar tuner. The third player in this scenario tries to get by with the minimum daily requirement of work. Even as a mom, I have to show mercy, even though I'm so annoyed that I don't want to speak to them. I have to temper my words.



On a bigger stage, I've been hurt recently so deeply that it feels, at times, like I might not recover. The feeling that I have no worth is overwhelming. Does my heart really matter to you, God?



If I am to follow hard after God, I have no choice but to show kindness to that individual. The hope of drawing closer to Him, of knowing Him deeper, pulls stronger than the desire to be vindicated. He is my Defender. His call is so much stronger that I fling aside anything that would hinder me from reaching the prize.

New Year's Resolution

It may be a little late to decide on a New Year's Resolution, but when I started this blog it was still January. It's just taken a while to finish.

I'm resolving to let myself off the hook in 2010.

I am releasing myself from condemnation, whether self-imposed or from somebody else; including, but not limited to, the following:

if my house is messy, or my floor is dirty;


if my kids misbehave;


if my vehicle is not the newest model; (it's paid for)


if I'm not a swimsuit model; (although, if I were, I'd be wearing a swimsuit right now)

if I don't wear the latest style; (especially because I don't know what the latest styles are)

if I don't throw my support behind a cause that's important to you, even if your cause is called a "ministry"; (I have my own causes, thank you very much)

if I commit various grammatical faux pas; you know, spelling, comma splices and the like; (although I did read up on the use of the semi colon last month)

if I don't measure up to your expectations, whatever they may be.

I've officially thrown in the towel. :)

Please, don't buy me a new towel.